Lojong slogan 33 can be translated a number of different ways. Most commonly it’s rendered “Don’t bring things to a painful point.” Other versions say “Don’t go for the throat” or “Don’t make everything so painful.” And like the slogans preceding it, it deals with the way we speak of others.
Don’t bring things to a painful point means not humiliating people. It means not attacking people at the place where they’re most vulnerable. (In other words, don’t go for the throat.) We don’t aim our words at other people’s Achilles heel.
What I’m noticing about this batch of slogans is that they all expose how our words can be used as a form of power-grabbing. We put people down to get ourselves into an advantageous position over them. We hit them where it hurts so we can gain ground. And, let’s be honest: it works. If it didn’t, we wouldn’t need to train ourselves not to do it. It’s a very effective technique. Especially with the people we know best, we can level them with a word aimed at the right spot.
But then, there’s that feeling right afterward. It’s a rush and then it feels…awful. Because power-grabbing by hurting someone with weapon-words feels gross. It is gross. And if we doubt this, we only have to consider a time when we’ve been on the receiving end.
It’s also worth pointing out (no pun intended) that when we put others down, it’s usually because we want to get rid of our own feelings of inferiority. We put whatever unsatisfactory experience we’re having onto someone else, as if it’s their problem. But it doesn’t work that way. So, not bringing things to a painful point also helps us deal with our own emotions better. We’ll stay in pain (or denial, or anger) until we deal with whatever feelings are bubbling up. Better just to face them ourselves and not make them someone else’s business.
Lastly, Norman Fischer says we often feel most resentful about offering kindness to people who are difficult or mean. But in reality, this is the very best use of our kindness. It has the potential to do the most good! Kind people expect kindness. But angry, difficult, mean people often become that way because they have learned not to expect to be treated well. Our compassion can be transformative, even if we don’t see it immediately. And, even if it isn’t, we can’t deny how we feel when we muster the inner strength to offer kindness when it isn’t deserved. We feel like we can sleep easy at night!
Where do you find yourself most likely to bring things to a painful point? What other, better options are available to you?
