The 56th lojong slogan says, “Don’t wallow in self-pity.” You know why? Because it just makes things worse. The Buddhist noble truths tells us that everyone suffers, and that we just make the suffering worse when we cling to it. Or, wallow in it, as the case may be.

The distinction here is between feeling sorry for yourself, which is totally allowed, and acting in such a way that you become selfish and suck up all the air in the room. There is a line between self-compassion and self-pity, and we know what it feels like when we cross it. Don’t we? If you can’t, recall a time you were around someone who was wallowing in self-pity. What did that look like? Did you want to be around that person?

Norman Fischer says wallowing in self-pity happens when “we think we are the central person in the universe and that we are worse off than everybody else. We think we are suffering, no one else is. This is never true.”

This is never true. Everyone suffers. Self-pity only deludes us into forgetting that.

When something difficult happens, because this is life, and difficult things are bound to happen over and over again, we can feel all the emotions about it. We can be mad, or sad, or heartbroken. We are even allowed to feel lost or betrayed or overwhelmed. But the minute we stay in those emotions too long, they morph into self-pity. And that’s a whole other thing. That’s when the emotions become destructive, and counter-productive.

That’s when it’s time to let go.

Often, this means letting go of the way we wanted something to be. We don’t control the universe, after all.

This week, investigate whether you harbor any self-pity. If so, maybe it’s time to let go? Substitute your wallowing for compassion. Because all of us suffer, every day. Bless our collective hearts.