I’ll be honest- this past week of practicing discipline has been less than stellar. A number of factors–some I controlled, some I didn’t– led to me falling out of the rhythm of my schedule completely. But I wouldn’t be a good soul ninja if I didn’t see this as a learning opportunity. So, here’s what I’m learning about the harmony of discipline, and the rhythm of grace.

Old habits die hard. There’s a reason change isn’t easy for everyone, and that’s because our old habits are entrenched and ingrained in how we operate. It takes time to switch gears. Last week I saw close up how easy it is to slide from intentional to automated. I just kept ordering tea to go and forgetting that I’m supposed to take the time to bring my own cup and have it filled there. And yes, it takes more time, but I also feel better about myself for not blowing through an endless mountain of paper cups. I also ordered take out and didn’t bring my own containers. Twice I was up late, slept in, and skipped meditation. Which leads me to my next insight…

Once one things falls out of rhythm, it’s like a domino effect on all the other things. This can make it even harder to get back on track. But it’s also a reminder not to tarry too long before hitting restart. The longer we wait, the more messy it gets.

The main thing I’ve learned, which has been a helpful reminder, is that I don’t like feeling undisciplined. I don’t enjoy feeling like I haven’t taken the time to care for others, to think beyond myself, to do better. Living on autopilot rather than living intentionally feels messy, scattered, and un-centered to me. It doesn’t feel like growing, or even staying true to where I already am.

It feels like a slow and ungraceful slide in the wrong direction.

Which is why I’m also learning to lean into grace. Grace has become such a loaded religious word, but I refuse to give up on the beauty of its meaning and presence. Grace is like a safety net that holds you up when your own actions fail. It’s an embrace after a mistake. A warm blanket after a cold wake up call. Grace is, by definition, not something we earn, so it requires us to be vulnerable enough to receive it when we feel less than worthy.

Grace returns us to the Source that is beyond us, the love that surrounds us, a beauty that lives deep within us, no matter what. Like Sabbath, grace reminds us that it’s not just us out here. We’ve got help. And we’ve got permission not to be perfect. That’s too heavy a burden for anyone to bear.

Which is why I feel so grateful that this week of off-beat rhythm has also reminded me that so many of the good, worthwhile habits I do now without thinking began in this same clunky way. They began in fits and spurts, in stretches of consistency and multiple stretches of total forgetfulness. And I have hope that the habits I’m working on today may eventually become as natural as these others have become.

They’ll become, grace upon grace, easy. (This reminds me of one of my favorite paraphrases of Matthew 11:29, which says, “Learn the unforced rhythms of grace.”*)

In the meantime, I’m not going to beat myself up too much about losing the rhythm. I’m going to focus on how much I love the harmony of the song of discipline. And, starting this morning, I’m listening for the beat again, attuning my heart to it as best I can.

This post is part of the Paramita Project. You can learn more about the Project here and read my previous posts about discipline here, here and here, and lastly, here.

*As it happens, the man who coined that paraphrase, Eugene Peterson, passed away yesterday. He was a gentle and wise soul. May he rest in peace.