Kshanti, or patience, is described in three unique ways. Today I want to talk about patience as gentle forbearance. Gentle forbearance is probably what we most readily think about when we think about patience. It’s that quality of being non-reactive, of breathing deep instead of raging loudly. The million dollar question is, of course, how to cultivate that.

It helps when we remember not to take everything personally. The long line is not out to get us. The traffic is not a sign that the universe doesn’t have our back today. Most of what causes our impatience comes from within us, not from outside of us. And most of those things will pass. They’re just a mood, or a moment. And we don’t have to respond to every mood or moment. We can just choose to let it pass, to let it go by gently, without our attack or derision. That’s forbearance.

As Lama Surya Das says, it also helps when we “look on our imperfect environment as a teacher rather than an antagonist.” Reality is going to keep happening around us. And some of that reality is going to rub us the wrong way. But when we see things around us as opportunities for us to learn, rather than an enemy we are fighting, we already find ourselves in a better position to respond gently. We find we’re working with reality, not against it. (Hot tip: don’t fight reality, honey. It will always win.)

The most difficult thing about gentle forbearance is the consistency it asks of us. It’s the practice of responding gently, over and over again. Remember, patience is closely related to the word for endurance. So gentle forbearance is the art of choosing patience consistently, often when we’re in a situation that isn’t improving.

Of course, it’s these really sticky long-term situations that most form us and most strengthen our patience, too. We can feel awesome when we don’t get road rage on any given commute, but we feel even better when we learn to hold our peace at that work meeting week after week after week. When we can show up with gentle forbearance in those long-term situations, we begin to feel like it’s possible to bring it with us everywhere.

Gentle forbearance is remarkably portable. It’s a gift we can carry with us at all times.

Last week I had surgery on my ACL. The first few days were relatively easy, but by day three I was reminded that the road to recovery was not going to be as quick as I’d like. I was not going to pop back up on my feet and be past the point of needing help from others. It’s as if I noticed a shift within myself in the way I needed to call upon patience. Rather than simply finding moments to take a breath or be grateful for the many gifts surrounding me, I needed to shift my patience into a deeper gear. I needed to remember that this was not just “take a moment not to get frustrated about the crutches” patience but “stay here for the long haul” patience.

What I need is “you can’t go to level two in physical therapy until Friday” patience. You know, the boring stuff. The stay here and do the work stuff. And what I need is to treat that work, that staying, with gentleness and even kindness.

So, if it’s any consolation, I’ll be sitting here (literally- in a machine that moves my leg back and forth for six hours a day) practicing gentle forbearance right along with you this week. The kind that requires consistency and lots of deep breathing. I’ll continue to remind myself that my recovery is not my antagonist. It’s my teacher. And it’s on my side.

Blessings to you as you practice gentle forbearance in the wild weeds of your own lives this week.

This post is part of the Paramita Project. You can read my introductory post on patience, November’s practice, here.