“The result of generosity is always richness. The result of miserliness is always poverty. This principle is constant.”

Sakya Pandita, 13th century Tibetan monk

I want to talk about the underbelly of generosity today. I’ve been grappling with this quote for a couple of weeks now, questioning it and pondering it and wrestling with it. Because I’ll be honest: sometimes it sure looks like the result of generosity is exhaustion, even emptiness. I have friends who are social workers and teachers and justice activists and therapists. They give and give, and go and go, and they are not rich, in any sense of the word. They are tired. They are often broke. And it’s not limited to the superstars among us. All of us can admit to feeling overwhelmed and tired from day to day, even when we’re doing our best to live generously. Is this principle of generosity really that constant?

I just want to sit with this and acknowledge how real and true and hard it feels. Being generous can be so hard. That’s the plain truth.

(inhale, exhale)

Sometimes, realizing that we don’t feel generous can actually be such a gift. When I recall a time in my own life when I felt spent, one of the reasons I knew I had to make a change is because I realized I was feeling considerably less generous toward others. I could feel myself turning inward, in a protective way, because I felt there wasn’t enough of me to give anymore. This was *such* an important wake-up call. That “miserliness” didn’t lead to poverty. It led to transformation and much needed change.

As I’ve reflected further and wrestled with the tension I feel in this quote, I wonder if it has something profound to teach us after all. If we remember that generosity is, by definition, a creative force, a generating energy, then yes, when we practice generosity we should feel the same kind of energy within us. Generosity is an exchange of abundance. The result, then, should be a feeling of richness. So what’s going on when that isn’t the reality we experience? 

That’s the big question. That’s the hidden jewel. Perhaps the feeling of richness isn’t just a statement, but a test. How do we feel as we practice generosity? And if we think we’re practicing generosity and it’s not making us feel rich, what’s going on?

I think what most of us will find is that we thought we were practicing generosity when actually, what we were practicing was:

• trying to earn our keep
• justifying ourselves
• seeking acceptance
• being self-righteous
• asking for attention
• wanting other people to need us
• offering something in hopes of getting something in return
• trying to pay back a favor or debt
• hoping a good deed will hide a bad deed we want to distract from/forget about
• staying busy to avoid something we don’t want to face
• trying to do a good thing for the sake of the good thing when really it just may not be our job to do this particular good thing
• assuming we are the sole protectors of the universe and everything relies on us to do this work

I feel exhausted just from typing up this list. Bless our hearts. Being human is so hard. We are so profoundly hard on ourselves. It is all so unnecessary.

We have unbelievably creative ways of trying to manage our own sense of self-worth. And, at the end of the day, that’s the poverty that haunts us. That’s the road block that keeps us from being free to be generous, no strings attached. When we feel content within ourselves, we can freely give generously. We know and trust we have what we need. When we cling and clutch it’s a sign we’re in a place where we can’t give, because we’re operating from a place that feels empty or in short supply. That’s important to know if we’re going to practice generosity with any skill at all. That’s a sign to stop what we’re doing and figure out where the poverty is coming from. What if instead of beating ourselves up, we saw that as a siren for self-compassion?

For me, the wisdom here is knowing and accepting that we will all have times when generosity feels like too much to ask. And maybe, rather than beating ourselves up for it, we allow that moment to stay right where it is so we can examine it, become aware of it, maybe even offer it some compassion. Lama Surya Das says that “wisdom needs to guide each giving hand.” When we practice generosity, we must be wise about how we give, what we give, and when we give. And sometimes, we’re just going to be able to give more than other times. There’s no shame in that. There’s no problem with that, either. It only becomes a problem if we stay in a place where we never feel safe enough to give. (Who wants to live like that?!)

I know what I’ve needed in moments I feel spent is not for someone to demand for me to be more generous. I’ve needed someone to be generous toward me. I’ve needed to be generous to myself. In those moments, what we need is to take a deep breath and return to the place within us where we remember we are worthy–not because of what we do but simply because we are, because we exist. We are worthy and we are connected to everyone and everything around us, and there is richness beyond measure in these connections. There is enough. And for now, that is enough. No giving required.

Eventually, we might feel things start to shift and realize we’re ready to move from appreciating that connection to participating actively in it again. When we find ourselves there, generosity comes more naturally, because we get caught up again in the ebb and flow of goodness that’s all around us. And then, we’ll likely hit another road block and start the whole cycle over again. No worries. It’s all part of the process.

If you’ve been practicing generosity with me this month and you’re feeling a little spent, take a moment to ask yourself why. Try not to be judgy about it. Just see what you might learn about yourself. Just take note of what mental roadblock may be stealing your joy and keeping you from feeling safe enough or loved enough or worthy enough to be generous.

What could you offer yourself today to feel deep, abiding abundance?

What if you loved yourself so well today that you heeded every siren for self-compassion your life may be presenting to you?

This post is part of the Paramita Project. This month I’m practicing generosity, and you can read previous posts here, here and here.